TWO THINGS

1) Something inside me is bleeding again, and over the past 24 hours I've gotten paler and paler and generally more exhausted. It's weird this time, it started with a horrible headache which has not gone away. And then abdomnial pain, as per usual. I think this entire issue can be chalked up to how liberal I am. (get it, get it, bleeding heart liberal, get it)

2) I spent almost the entire day today watching episodes of America's Best Dance Crew on my lappy. I have no idea why I care or even how I got there.

3) Chad sent in the appraisal. We were under contract for our second offer, which was 112k. Bank appraised the house for -- wait for it -- 112k. Which means,

I love this president.

It's like we went from a 14-year-old tercel to a brand new benz.

In other news, my mind has apparently shut off. I raised my hand in my 2:00 class about half a dozen times today, with a distinct thought, and I forgot it immediately. And when I do manage to get some idea out of my head, I can't grasp the words in order to express myself the way I have in the past. It's like my vocabulary was cut in half, and I sound like a retarded kid, but with relevant questions to ask a professor -- just not very eloquently.

It makes me feel like a stroke patient. I've watched my grandfather deteriorate over the years due to small strokes, and seeing this once really regal, vivacious, eloquent man fight to get out a sentence kills me. He knows exactly what he wants to express, but there's a disconnect, and he just can't put it together.

It's getting worse, particularly over the last few months. I get confused and distracted, and I'm still procrastinating and avoiding shit and have zero motivation for most things.

It's been especially odd since school started. I pick up the DTH every day I get on campus, four days a week, and the simplest Sudoku or crossword just kills me. I had to write the numbers in for a level 1 Sudoku the other day, and I just know something's not right. I'm a Sudoku master, I can pop those things out like Pringles. I finish them probably 95% of the time, and I still haven't finished a single one. The crosswords are worse. I know that I know the answer to a clue, or I might have a really strong "sense" of what it is (in that I know it, but I can't find the word), but nothing comes. They end up mostly blank, which is irritating. The Sudoku was always this little challenge I had every day that I'd easily be able to finish, and the crossword gave me the opportunity to flex my vocab and relax a little... and now everything's different.

On top of all this, I'm having problems even typing now. I hit the wrong keys all the time, which is totally out of character for me. I've been typing very quickly and very accurately since I was like, 10.

Overall, I am confused and concerned.

To end on a positive, Mark and I are going to look at a house tomorrow. Which we may *buy*. It feels so empowering, and I'm really, really, way too excited about it. And in that, I got Mark all excited... so hopefully we can keep ourselves in check when we're with the realtor.

Crazy RoboSanta in the middle is our first ornament. The apple above it was my parents'.
Bonus adorable Christmas 1989 ornament to the left.

Mark and I did a crapload of shopping today, even though we were both basically too exhausted to move even when we first started... he worked all day and night, I was up coughing and had to rely on the black magic of vodka to finally get me to stop. Which means I fell asleep, but didn't sleep well. And neither of us slept long. Note to self: After purchasing new bottle of Nyquil, do not place it in a location where you cannot find it when you are ill and really desperately need it.

Ugh.

Anyway, I still have a ton of shopping left and it's driving me nuts. I have tomorrow and part of Friday; I'm driving to Pittsboro as usual to leave flowers for Eric that afternoon. Saturday morning we leave for Wilmington to begin CHRISTMAS... part one of... what... five, six, potentially?

Also, WHAT DO YOU BUY FOR CHILDREN??? Kate has the inside track here, I know. But my mom was all A+ on buying gifts for the kids (I helped!) for Christmas -- so I could be part of the "Bonnie, Travis, & Sarah" card. And once I turned 18 my mom would still help me get my shit together, and she'd pick out something genius or whatever.

BUT I DON'T HAVE KIDS AND I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT. Like, Eva, I can totally chill and remember (mostly) the kind of stuff I wanted when I was six. I mean, things have changed since '93, but Eva's a chill kid. I see Harper once a year so I don't even know what he's doing. Like, I think he was walking around and saying words last year. I imagine things have progressed? I haven't seen the twins in a year either, but I'm trying to put myself in Matt & Kim's position -- I don't want to get the girls things that'll just crowd up the house, or that they won't use/play with/whatever... and then with baby "11/12" (as I am dubbing her), I don't want to make life any more complicated. And I feel like 11/12 (aka Matt & Kim) should get something for Christmas too.

Being one of the three cousins without children and then, of those three, being the only one not living with my parents has put me in a crappy position.

MY BRAIN.
MY WALLET.
MY WALLETTTTTTTT.
(and mark's)

I need to sleep.

I am really, really excited about the rest of my life.

The past three days, Mark has been an absolute saint and has put up with me dragging him to my family's two Thanksgivings; one at my parents' and one in Surf City (Friday night). My dad built a house for my favorite cousin and my grandmother/aunt/uncle/niece out there, and one next to it waiting for tenants, so it's just big and empty, so Mark and I stayed in one of the upstairs bedrooms on an air mattress for the night. We were laying there talking, and we've joked in the past about Mark proposing to me with a bread tie or something for sort of ridiculous reasons, and that continued a little before we went to bed.

We got home this afternoon and watched Red Dawn (yes, that Red Dawn) with Alex. He went upstairs to get something. At about 5 PM yesterday as we were laying on the couch together, Mark held up a bread tie wrapped into a circle, and asked, "one day, when I can afford a ring, will you marry me?"

I asked him to phrase it a little better, a little more in the present, and I now have a bread tie on my left ring finger and we are engaged.

I would have posted this earlier, but we were just waiting for his dad to call him back so all the immediate family knew before the internet knew. :)

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

Things I Am Thankful For : 2008 Edition
(not entirely inclusive, obviously)

- Mark Oniffrey
- and subsequently my family, of course
- President-Elect Barack Obama and the election
- Emily Clark-Kramer
- My cervical treatment, and that it was caught early
- My (eventually) successful wisdom tooth removal
- Aylim Castro, Dr. Glen Martin, Lizzette Potthoff, Kathleen Transue, Dr. Lisa Emrich, Dr. Jon Williams, and Dr. Jim Kurz
- Getting off antidepressants
- Reconciling with Ed
- Being able to be with Pete when he died
- Meeting (and now knowing) Mark's friends
- The beginning of the year, to figure out where I was going
- Rikki's health
- Turning 21
- Ann Coulter's jaw being wired shut
- Sarah Palin. Seriously.

finally,

- hope.

I realized today that not only am I proud of you and everything you are, and not only that I am proud to say that I am with you, but that I am most proud of myself just by be with you. I don't know why it didn't occur to me so clearly until now as to why I gravitate directly toward you when things begin to fall apart, even from the very beginning (almost prematurely). Whether you realize it or not, you make me realize what I can really do and become, just because you're here.

Sometimes, when it's really quiet at night, and I can't sleep, I'll take my headphones off -- instead of listening to TAL or some other podcast or whatever, I just listen to the clocks ticking, and the sound of you breathing.

Those are the nights I fall asleep the fastest.

http://www.popcrunch.com/this-guy-loves-apostrophes-almost-as-much-as-he-loves-jesus/

Mark (in jest): "Yeah, I'm definitely all of that first column"
(I question a few of them, which he starts eliminating)
"You're a wifebeater?"
"No."
"Who's your wife? I need to know about this."
"You don't have to worry about it, I already beat her to death."
"..."


Also, I passed out for no reason a little while ago and hit my head on the kitchen floor and it hurts. I think I need to eat, or drink, or go to the doctor or something.
Yeah, need to call my doctor tomorrow.

i have a horrible horrible headache and am too emotional to function and miss my goddamn boyfriend

i just want to watch star trek with him and drink wine and eat papa john's.
guys that's what we DO.
it is SO. FUCKING. AWESOME.
you have no idea. the boy LIKES IT. HE LIKES THIS STUPID SHIT.
and I miss it so fucking much
i dunno

i'd curse his job except he likes it so goddamn much and it makes him so happy and shit.
so i can't do that.
i think it might be that i secretly want to ride in the ambulance with him JUST ONCE (and not be the patient)
and then maybe i could accept it more.

no, that's not it. i want star trek and wine and... wow i almost just typed "cuddles"

that's it, i'm going to bed.

braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap.

oh, and people are really really really really strange things.

and my boyfriend is a machine.
Work: 7 PM Friday - 7 AM Saturday
Class: 9 AM Saturday - 4 PM Saturday
Work: 7 PM Saturday - 7 AM Sunday
Class: 9 AM Sunday - 4 PM Sunday
Work: 7 PM Sunday - 7 AM Monday

in summary, that means he's doing shit (important shit) for 50 out of 60 hours this weekend and into monday. this is not counting travel time. he got 2 1/2 hours of sleep this afternoon. he considered this a victory.

basically he's insane and i don't know how he's still alive.

so mark snores.

it's just one of those things. i act like a really absolutely crazy bitch sometimes, so i find his snoring a very small price to pay for his company.
to add to my regular insanity, i've been a major hassle over the past week since getting the biopsies, then having my teeth ripped out. particularly since developing the dry sockets (which, i've been told, were absolutely unavoidable) i've been whining and really irritable and practially infantile in my ability to care for myself, yet mark has been taking care of me. i've been trying to keep myself doped up on perococet in my own interest *and* mark's, but it's not always an option (and doesn't always work).

but the whole thing with mark snoring.
almost every time he falls asleep on the couch, he snores. if i'm not doing something else, it tends to irritate me. fortunately, the percocet has kicked in tonight, and i've got stuff to do right now.
mark, as i'm sure i've mentioned, will also talk in his sleep. occasionally, there is actually some consciousness breaking through.

so, i'm over here installing some software and half-listening to a crime documentary while mark is snoring. suddenly:

"SARAH."
i normally answer, knowing there's a 50/50 chance i'll get a response, and then a 50/50 chance whether or not that will be coherent.
"Yeah?"
"... I really love you."

And then he fell back asleep.

"I love you, too."

I don't know if I'm just overly emotional because of all my drugs or whatever, or because I feel so guilty over the past week for being such a burden on such a fantastic person (during a week he should have really been relaxing and celebrating, no less) -- but it made me cry a little bit, and smile. And that hurt my face, so that made me cry a little more.

Happy doesn't even really describe the last eight months. It's not that I'm in love with him, it's not that he loves me, it's not that our relationship works so well, it's not that I find him so attractive, it's not that things are so comfortable, it's not that he makes me so happy, it's just the culmination of everything. It feels so impossible to describe -- just this completely overwhelming positive feeling every time I look at him, touch him, hear him, think about him. I am not a complete person, and I don't think anyone really ever is up until the moment their life ends -- so he doesn't complete me (so I guess what I'm saying is that I think it's kind of a silly concept to say that someone "completes" you, but to each his own). But he makes me feel more like "me" than anyone else ever has. He is everything to me, which is terrifying and incredible at the same time. Just because of who I am, it's been a lot of the "terrifying" bit -- but because of who he is, the "incredible" part has been kicking in more and more.




I wouldn't have changed the last 243 days for anything, absolutely anything.

so mark just left for work. he took all of last week off for his birthday, which actually ended in him taking care of me.

it was really fucking nice having him around.

i feel like summer vacation ended and my best friend is going back to school far far away.



i can't decide if that's sweet or pathetic. either way, I don't think i can go back to sleep like i usually can when he leaves.

I have found the best human being, living or dead, on the face of the planet. Anyone looking to argue with me is looking to throw down.

This includes Helen Keller.




also my bottom left jaw had an abortion this morning. my doctor told me it is not a dry socket but i think he was on a golf course.

selections from an e-mail to my parents:



"I look like a chipmunk tripping on Percocet.

I did eat pudding with a spoon, though..."


"I have to register for classes tomorrow at 9 AM. That’s retarded.

Mark’s co-workers were going to take him out to bars tonight but, instead, he is next to me in bed telling me I’m pretty, so I’m pretty sure he’s either been taking my Percocet too, or, he likes me."


conversation with mark:

"all i have to do is go out there and leave a flower."
"maybe we can get lunch. you can eat bread, and i can get whatever i want."
"... you're a dick."





MY FACE/MOUTH/JAW/FACIAL APPARATI HURTS

Oh, also, today, a nice little old black man I didn't know kissed me in the parking lot behind Spanky's.


I texted this to Mark immediately after it happened. He asked how this happened. I said it was a long story, but the guy had a cool hat. Mark's response was something along the lines of, "You should have told me earlier; I would have bought more hats."

I grinned like an idiot while I was walking towards South Building. Like, around people. As if I had a brain problem.


But yeah, it's a long story.

i've been thinking about it, and i have come to the strangest conclusion.

it actually feels like i love you with parts of myself that i didn't even know were capable of loving another person.

i don't know how else to describe it. and every sentence i type trying to explain it further is failing miserably.

suffice it to say that i am more thankful for you than you will ever know.

So I have surgery on October 1st, and then again on October 3rd! And Mark's birthday is October 2nd!

HOLY SHIT.

OH. Also.

A couple nights ago, Mark was laying in bed listening to his iPod before he went to sleep. I got one of the earbuds and we traded off picking songs for one another. It was probably the most adorable thing I've ever done with anyone. I'd say it was cheesy, but it really wasn't, at all. Also, I like him.

i need to buy textbooks, i need to clear up this stupid issue with the damn rent check, i need to figure out how the hell to sleep.

on the PLUS side:
- Mark made me sushi
- Mark brought me flowers
- Mark brought me chocolate
- I found the best... thing... ever. I don't know how, but I have him, and that's it.
- In addition, I GOT THE BEST CARD EVER. Megan Derocher, I LOVE YOU, HOLY SHIT. Card is on the mantle, and it is the funniest thing the postal service ever brought me. <33333333

and, let's see...
they played that commercial again that makes me laugh like a retard.

bugh sleep.

i am exhausted
i cannot sleep. within the last few days, i've been unable to fall asleep until five or six. and i normally can't even sleep in my own bed with my own warm boyfriend; i end up on the couch downstairs because i don't want to wake mark up with my turning and tossing and pushing him over to his side of the bed. like, imagine two people sleeping in a bed, like this: [ | | ] . i sleep on the left, mark is on the right. this is what mark likes to do when he's asleep: | [ \ ] . oh well.