wtf israel and gaza

this is fucking retarded already.

i'm about done with seeing dead babies on reddit because of this shit. i know the diplomacy route has fucking sucked for generations, but fuck -- like bombs are really going to make this situation any better.

i have israeli and palestinian friends and wtf, they are both totally rad. they are all totally intelligent and fucking responsible and NONE of them want wars and death and horrible shit like this. no one, anywhere, deserves to go through this bullshit.

2009. can we get some peace up in here?

today has been 100% concentrated shit.

something is really wrong

Every Sunday I read PostSecret, where there used to be ads for Hopeline (the suicide prevention hotline) the site used to support.

I still want to know why Trif killed himself.

MY FACE HURTS AND I'M STUFFED UP AND CCO IS MAKING ME CRAZY AND I WANT TO EITHER SCREAM OR JUST GO TO SLEEP OR BOTH.

so i studied last night. a lot. so much that i turned off my alarm this morning and managed to miss two classes. but i felt really good about this test. really good.

it was horrible. it raped, pillaged, burned, and then kicked you in the balls. it was horriffic. i wanted to cry.

and now i have to post for my online class and then i take a shower and go **out** with mark.

for the first time in my life, my compy's got a virus. and a shitty one. and i am going to have to backup and reinstall SUPER FRESH because it's fucked with my drivers and got access to my passwords, which is excellent and super stupid.
i don't even know what the thing is, but i have a suspicion it's probably from that 3rd party application i downloaded to sync up an app for my iPhone with Microsoft Outlook. I SHOULD KNOW BETTER. WHO AM I??

i should also not be so brazen as to assume that my antivirus program is something that's simply taking up memory (and thus ending its process or just abandoning it altogether).

so i'm in safe mode.
i suck.

goddammit.

(also plz let me know if "i" sent you a message or did something funny on facebook, which is where i've gotten my security alert)

so, i don't feel like myself anymore. at all. i feel numb and angsty and indignant and spiteful. i am constantly irritated and lash out when completely unprovoked. i don't look at my life the way i did just a couple months ago. i have an overwhelming desire to escape from everything in my life that makes me happy, leading to very pointed attacks so as to compromise these positive situations.

it's really fucking weird and the consideration of this only makes it worse.

i actually really dislike my life right now, and i know that's not right because i know, logically, that there is only one reason i have to feel this shitty; and it does not involve my relationships or responsibilities yet it is completely consuming them. a few weeks ago i was on top of the fucking world.

it actually feels like there's something dark and bitter inside of me that wasn't there before. i was so committed to personally abandoning the entire concept of hate, but if i have ever felt hate, this is it. it's like something primal and defensive and deep and maybe makes sense if i think about it but that doesn't change shit.

the past three days or so have been the worst. i've been slamming shit around, getting tweaked out about the tiniest fucking things, and lashing out at mark in the worst possible ways. and that all makes me want to fucking crawl into a ball and just cry and the fact that i feel like doing that makes me want to damage something, anything, and so the cycle begins again.

this entry is fucking weird and i feel fucking weird and i don't want to deal with this shit.

things are weird.

i'm not acting like myself. i'm irritable and angry and antisocial. fortunately, the fact that i am now 21 and can go to bars and stuff is nice. it sort of helps out with my overwhelming desire to be alone. ed and i went to... someplace on franklin st. last night. probably one of the best things to happen to me in like... weeks. i finally chilled out and could discuss things like a normal person. for four and a half hours. also the bartender was really nice.

i went to jordan's grave yesterday; his birthday was monday. his parents (who are now divorced) had apparently left flowers. i wish i could talk to them.

i wish a lot of things.

i also apparently suck at coping and communicating with those who love me.

i'm sorry.

so, i have cancer.

i have been really moody recently
i don't make sense
kind of wishing my doctor would call, don't know exactly what i'll do if i don't hear anything tomorrow.

emily, i am a failure and i'm sorry. my dentist appt lasted forEVER and then i came home and laid on the couch half-passed out for the rest of the night.

eating
i was looking through some old pictures this afternoon and found one of myself in eighth grade. i remember feeling incredibly insecure about my body, convinced i was chubby. i found a couple where i look skeletal.

last september, when i was sick, i felt like everything was out of control, and i developed an eating disorder ("not otherwise specified" -- it was combination of anorexia and bulimia). (i'm a lot better now)

the guy i love, and have the fortune of living with, tells me almost every day how much he loves the way i look. as i've told him, i could feel terrible about my appearance that day, and almost as if he's reading my mind, he'll look at me and say something to the exact opposite effect of my insecurities.

no one can say, "stop worrying about your body" or "you look fine" -- and have you take their word.
everyone can say something to make your insecurities worse; even if it's completely innocuous.

for myself, i know that when everything else in this world is falling apart around me, i stop eating, because it lets me control something. and most of the time, i don't even realize i'm doing it. once i realize what's going on, though, it normally gets worse.

so anyone could say, love your body, treat it well, you are beautiful -- but words can't even put a band-aid on the situation when you're in that state of mind.
the only thing you can be sure of is that you are loved. even when it doesn't really seem to help, that is a constant. that will always be there, and along with that, help.

medication

you do not have to have sex to get HPV. HPV causes 70% of all cases of cervical cancer and 90% of all cases of genital warts.

every year in the united states, there are six million new cases of HPV. 74% of those cases occur in people 15 to 24. 80% of women will have HPV by the time they're fifty.

there are thirty strains of HPV. the cervical cancer cases are caused by two. the genital warts cases are caused by another two. there is a vaccine to prevent you from getting all four of those strains.

it is called gardasil. my doctor had never had any of her patients have any side-effects. they are extremely rare, and looking at the list, i'd say the worst one would be vomiting.

if you are a woman who is 26 or younger, please call your doctor, make an appointment to just go in and get the shot, please. those commercials really are telling you something extremely important. and now i am. if there is one thing i will ever ask you to do and ever really, really mean it -- this is it.



just felt like getting all of that out there.