So the home inspection came back, and there are a crapload of things that need to be done. According to our contract, we can walk away if the cost of repairs exceeds $5,000, which they very well may. Like, there are a ton of electrical issues... the water didn't run for more than a few minutes... and the insulation in the crawlspace is installed upside-down. All of these have to be fixed in order for the seller to sell the house to anyone, so Gavin just asked them to fix it all, like the guy said he would.

Anyway. I'm nervous.

I love this president.

It's like we went from a 14-year-old tercel to a brand new benz.

In other news, my mind has apparently shut off. I raised my hand in my 2:00 class about half a dozen times today, with a distinct thought, and I forgot it immediately. And when I do manage to get some idea out of my head, I can't grasp the words in order to express myself the way I have in the past. It's like my vocabulary was cut in half, and I sound like a retarded kid, but with relevant questions to ask a professor -- just not very eloquently.

It makes me feel like a stroke patient. I've watched my grandfather deteriorate over the years due to small strokes, and seeing this once really regal, vivacious, eloquent man fight to get out a sentence kills me. He knows exactly what he wants to express, but there's a disconnect, and he just can't put it together.

It's getting worse, particularly over the last few months. I get confused and distracted, and I'm still procrastinating and avoiding shit and have zero motivation for most things.

It's been especially odd since school started. I pick up the DTH every day I get on campus, four days a week, and the simplest Sudoku or crossword just kills me. I had to write the numbers in for a level 1 Sudoku the other day, and I just know something's not right. I'm a Sudoku master, I can pop those things out like Pringles. I finish them probably 95% of the time, and I still haven't finished a single one. The crosswords are worse. I know that I know the answer to a clue, or I might have a really strong "sense" of what it is (in that I know it, but I can't find the word), but nothing comes. They end up mostly blank, which is irritating. The Sudoku was always this little challenge I had every day that I'd easily be able to finish, and the crossword gave me the opportunity to flex my vocab and relax a little... and now everything's different.

On top of all this, I'm having problems even typing now. I hit the wrong keys all the time, which is totally out of character for me. I've been typing very quickly and very accurately since I was like, 10.

Overall, I am confused and concerned.

To end on a positive, Mark and I are going to look at a house tomorrow. Which we may *buy*. It feels so empowering, and I'm really, really, way too excited about it. And in that, I got Mark all excited... so hopefully we can keep ourselves in check when we're with the realtor.

2-4 inches of snow, cross your fingers

I'm hoping that because tomorrow is also an INCREDIBLY HISTORIC PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION maybe, MAYBE that might be enough for UNC to say -- "okay, there are enough compounding factors here to cancel class..."

But that's incredibly unlikely.

We had a light ice storm at the end of my first semester at UNC, and Alyssa and I had to hold on to each other to keep from slipping on the sidewalk and breaking our backs on the way to our exams one day. It was pretty much the closest I've ever come to actually ice-skating.

Ehhh. Reading time.

I am really, really excited about the rest of my life.

Things I Am Thankful For : 2008 Edition
(not entirely inclusive, obviously)

- Mark Oniffrey
- and subsequently my family, of course
- President-Elect Barack Obama and the election
- Emily Clark-Kramer
- My cervical treatment, and that it was caught early
- My (eventually) successful wisdom tooth removal
- Aylim Castro, Dr. Glen Martin, Lizzette Potthoff, Kathleen Transue, Dr. Lisa Emrich, Dr. Jon Williams, and Dr. Jim Kurz
- Getting off antidepressants
- Reconciling with Ed
- Being able to be with Pete when he died
- Meeting (and now knowing) Mark's friends
- The beginning of the year, to figure out where I was going
- Rikki's health
- Turning 21
- Ann Coulter's jaw being wired shut
- Sarah Palin. Seriously.

finally,

- hope.

today has been 100% concentrated shit.

Every Sunday I read PostSecret, where there used to be ads for Hopeline (the suicide prevention hotline) the site used to support.

I still want to know why Trif killed himself.

Everything is going to be okay.

For real.


I've been given a chance to find myself and live my life in a way I've never been able to do before -- and I cannot put into words how fortunate I am.

Here we go.

life is complicated.
i also make obvious statements.